Karma

Woke up today to find my front teeth stained with dark colour blood and a crack on my bottom lip. Rinsed my mouth ten times and the dried blood stain is still there. Blame myself on cursing on CNY.

Let me bleed to death. So that I don’t have to explain my actions last night.

Hate CNY

FML

WHY IS EVERYONE FORCING ME TO COLLECT ANGBAO FROM PAP

YES IT IS DISRESPECTFUL TO NOT GIVE PAP BLESSINGS FOR CNY

ALL FOR THE SAKE OF MONEY, WEHAVE TO FAKE OUR SMILES

WHO RE REALLY SINCERE ABOUT GIVING PRAISES?!

THEN FORGET ABOUT THE ANGBAO LAR

Seriously fedup by all these shit.

I am not taught to celebrate CNY since young

Now u all fucking expect me to sing empty useless praises a.k.a bootlicking people including own kins just for the money?

I hate CNY

I don’t see the point how CNY is different from any day of the year.

Pap asked me why I don’t wish him well. Of course I do!! Everyday, but I am just not used to saying it aloud such that our neighbours can hear.

And often expectation leads to disappointment. I just hope, secretly praying and not openly wishing them.

I hate talking about such sensitive stuff in front of my parents  I just not get the tradition. Should I smile or frown?

I really am hopeless. I hate being a chinese because of all the C’B things that happened to me.

Although I regreted shouting C’B on CNY. I hate people forcing me to do things I don’t feel comfortable.

I hate my boyfriend for pushing me to my limits daily. Fuck them all. Isolating myself in my room now while everyone playing cards outside. I am sick of socialising.

I wanna retreat into the woods. I am anti social!

I tore my angbao into pieces. I don’t know what is inside. I don’t fucking care. I dread CNY. I hate everybody!!!

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Chinese New Year Eve (CNYE)

The boyfriend and I went to Johor Bahru after 2 hours of sleep as we re playing maple the night before. We shopped around KSL and got a mini dispute. No, it’s mega dispute and to make it up, he urge me to buy 5 boxes of CNY goodies for RM30 as a gift. I took loads of bites frim the free samples and got my favourites in the end.

We went home early around 5pm to rest and I slept sweetly until gina drops by and flip me out of my bed to the ground at 1am )’:
We did grocery shopping untill 3am and went back to sleep.

I was an hour late for today’s class (started at 9am) and decided to skip the first lesson to chillax at the canteen. When I ended at about 12pm, only to find out the school library closes at 1pm. Surf the net and did my research topics.
Getting ready to have lunch with the unforgivable boyfriend again.

We had our lunch finally (we walked for hours to find one) and visited AMK library before I sneaked off for the swing in garden west.

The boyfriend comes along for a mcflurry and coke at a nearby Mcdonalds, then join me at the swing only to make me even more upset. We challenged each other to a greater height but he got off his swing and pushed me further on my back. I scream and hollered but he ignored my first appeal. My second shriek hit him hard as it echoed into the neighbourhood area which got everyone present at the playground staring at us.

Seriously, I got a mini heart attack on the swing at a height. He knew I was afraid of height. This is not the first time I gave a similar warning. He is forever testing my tolerance. I am so furious I stomp off after I got down from the swing.

The boyfriend tried to stop me and found me breaking down on the spot and went limp on him. He is really getting on my nerves, testing my limits. The previous couple I saw on the playground before he joined me, were sweet to each other and ot get overboard. But the man hugging me now is a damn evil boyfriend, a fucker!

It took me miles of strolling and resting to calm me down, ease my headache and reduce my blood pressure&heartbeat to normal. I was soooo devastated. It’s been long since I wail like a kid. In fact everytime I did, it was because of him. Once, I did that because of him in front of Qad&John!

I hate this boyfriend! Coming to think of this, Evee sent me emails recently, one of which wrote something regarding her ex. He has character issues. This sets me thinking, both Qad and evee gave up on their past relationship due to the boyfriend having serious mentality problems.

Why am I still with my boyfriend. Just why should I? This abusive boyfriend of mibe, twist my hands, strangle me, pull my hair, tickle me, use violent methods to make me shut up by palming my face, etc etc.

Lucky today he allowed me to vent my built up anger on him when he finally SHUT UP though shouted bavk a few times. If not I might go home and banged the wall!!

He brought me to watch the movie: the lions men

A funny thriller. I like 🙂

Yipeee, reunion dinner with the family, here I comee!!

Push upgrade to shove

Got shoved in the public badly by the fierce boyfriend. We endedup in discord, halfway from shopping in Johor KSL mall.

Not sure if it is due to us being too tired and hence sensitive. We slept at 4 in the morning after disrupt end of our maplestory game. Or, we re just sick of being held under the negative and emotional state of post honeymoon period.

Patiece and tolerance. When will we be able to get it? I don’t know. Maybe never. Whichever the reason, whatever the apology. However it happens, whoever it involves. I gave up.

I was moody, he was shouty. I turned apathy, and he becomes agressive. Then we became cold as ice.

I couldn’t absorb anything except replay the shoving scene multiple times per second, relishing over the hurt and pain of being shoved. part of me died instantly, the rest shattered into pieces. I got knocked out of my senses and felt helpless. I wish to run and escape from this world. I wasn’t given any cushion time to cool down nor release my emotions (cry). Hence I shut myself from the world, hide and trap my vulnerable pieces inside. How I wish I am voldemort, or his skills to make horcrux.

It not only protects his soul, but also provide him an eternal life.

Bitter sweet taste like this. Today is bitter sweet. Now. .tasteless.

Happy 51st Birthday Mommy!!

My birthday gift to her is.. .

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A mobile massager for her 🙂 selected by both boyfriend and I at Jem!! Thanks boyfriend for carrying it to my area and for testing out functions of the new massager in the shop, superb great advice from someone whose house is filled with various luxury goods 😀 Arigato!!

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Mommy was exceptionally surprised. Parents thought it would be another rocking chair (bought one for pap’s birthday). This massager cost me approximately $150~, less than the rocking chair.
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Pap was very excited to test out the massager and got stuck with it for hours. ..

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He is so adorable like the minion, vibrating with the massager to the ground!!

Happy Birthday mommy!! Ure the best *MUACKS*

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Also, gratitudes to laoyi and Audrey for the handmade chocolate cake. It’s absolutely tasty and sophisticated as well as suited for mommy! Great luck and wish her success for her cake blogshop! Hurray!! 40 bucks is definitely worth it, for the filling is generousy spongey and mouth watering-smooth cum creamy texture of the cake is daebak!! 😀

Thanks pap for gifting mommy an angbao for her birthday despite the divorce. Us kids, will forever be grateful for the effort in giving us a perfect family scenario nevertheless.

Happy happy CNY coming woohooo!!

Donation

Donation made to the library.

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These books are the third batch I ve placed at the library counter as a form of donation. I don’t have money, even if I do, I ll not donate money unless very necessary where I cannot make the trip myself for delivery.

Because money to third world country means almost nothing if there are insufficient necessities and adequate supply of food. Donating food items, books, medical supplies, clothes are the best things we could give.

Take a look at how the portion of donated money are distributed to the poor souls and I finally understand the best way of giving is to provide warmth and love. And not money, the greed of all evil.

Last semester

Today is my first day of last semester in my university life. I am so proud of myself completing all my task till far. Thanks friends, cliques, school staffs (lecturers and admins) and dearest family for all the support.

I am so excited and looking forward to my graduation ceremony in September 2014. Iwill end my semester officially after easter, around May/June. After today’s lesson, I ve got a new project to complete. This is so fast track and wonderfully stressful. I have more courage and determination to finish my last lap especially my FYP!!

Gambateh laoxin 🙂 U can do it!!