30 April is a Good Day for me

Wish Szeling great luck! May God be with her! I have faith 🙂

Father, you’ll watch her from above in her NUS Interview.

Today is her last day of work as the morning shift girl who I always see when I reach the office in the morning.

For the next 3 days, will be working from 9-5.

And the best present for me from SIT today,

is the offer letter.

When I was scrolling my Hotmail after being missing for two days.

Spent my wonderful weekend at Mama’s place laughing with the kids,

helping them go through with personality tests and homework.

God,

this is a very precious and perfect gift I could ever have.

How can I thank you enough? Really.

Once again, you bring Ling to invite me to the House of Christ.

You never give me up. Why should I hurt you again and again?

I am sinner, so cruel):

I am now really smiling at everyone who comes into my office!

How great it is, this gift, boost my confidence so much, and made me ever so happy.

So that I could spread the love to people!

How great ohmy.. .

So good.

It feels even better than orgasm!

To have everything.

And now, I mean it.

I really have EVERYTHING.

For God is gracious, and I trust him to carry me through.

Thanks Lord, in his name.

I want to give millions of thanksgiving.

This is so touching:)

And I can see the office is smiling.

ahhh~

Total bliss:)

With loads of love, LOL

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Nostalgia

Not regretting having a nostalgic personality.

But what’s past, shall let it go.

I can’t possibly remember everything, it will only turn me mad though I’ve learnt my lessons.

 

Today during change shift period,

was able to chat, or small talk with my colleague Sze again.

Realised it’s not only me again to have a disastrous family relations.

And I don’t know why or how,

 

I simply repeat my full life-story to her!

Just like it’s not my life.

haha

But really, the more I recite them, the more it becomes some sort of music lyrics or just a mini lesson learnt, a part and parcel of growing up for me.

But glad her life was great!

Makes me miss my clique and my group of friends out there more:)

But the conclusion of wanting to marry a pastor, because they got the best relationships we’ve seen so far is totally awesome.

HAHA of course not desperate we are.

But just funny when:) thinking of this makes me smile. haha! 😀

Hmms,marry a pastor?.. . .

Just because a very fulfilling life, both having a perfect relationship with God and just healthy and loving.

Thats soooooo cool!

Been to a few COS&Agape service.

And all were great!

Thanks God who sent Sze to remind me.

Firstly its my school lecturer, second my colleague. Both same name.

 

 

Just how am I going to stuff all my messed past into a box, and send them away?

Sometimes I feel like how my parents or grandparents who had many secrets and past, put them all away.

Just like how Rose is able to put Jack away and marry another man and have a new life with her husband?

What is the thing that drives people to go forth, to look ahead and continue.

Or is it all in grain in us?

Such that we don’t have to crack our head thinking of a solution,we are just able to do it on our own natural instinct?

Or am I already doing it since long time ago?

Lets be optimistic 😀

I am so going to finish up my Resume today.

For my current job is ending in 2 weeks time 😀

 

Am thinking should I cancel my Graduation ceremony attendance, and receive my diploma late since renting the gown is really expensive :/

I want to go Africa ):

Randomness maxed.

Maybe as long as I build more future to my present, my past will eventually means nothing compared.

 

Mirror on the Wall

Who’s the fairest of em all?

Why must it be white D:

 

Sometimes I wonder to myself,

If there is a guy who like me for 3 years,

how would it be?

 

Then and there, mine story is not like this.

Mine is 13 guys who like me for no years,

it is miserable.

 

I bet the one above is more miserable.

Because that 1 is harder to settle than 13 -.-

UNLESS!

She likes him too! Which is not the case from what I see :/

 

Sometimes I think if I never reject them, I may still be attached now.

But that is not what I want eventually for myself right?

I don’t want a prince,

I don’t need a king,

I don’t like a hobo,

wouldn’t prefer any rich, or handsome, pretty,adorable or tall and meaty guys.

 

I don’t want a guy.

I don’t need any.

Companion may or may not be a man.

I can have pets! If all I lack is sense of insecurity:)

Better than controlling or manipulating a man to blahblahblah.

I can have plants! If all I need is oxygen, better than having someone with you who makes you suffocate.

I can turn to my friends if I need any help! Which is usually I don’t.

 

I just can’t seem to find any reason to get a boyfriend any more!

It is like,I have everything and need nothing else.

Best is problems, troubles all shun me.

But can it be possible? Since reality is full of such.

 

Unless I need sex, if not most probably, I won’t be needing anything else from a man I guess :/

 

*realistic me*

Movement of the Sun

Not sure if I played mine-craft for too long which resulted to the scenes stuck in my mind.

Or is it cos my brain just created the world on its own.

I dreamt of this weird island. Which feels and look like Sentosa due to the beauty of its coastline.

Just like some beautiful seashore, but definitely not Singapore I guess, because the city line was gone.

All was left is only the distant lights and the chalet view.

The sky was dim dark grey, showing it in the wee hours.

 

All I know is a strangely shaped ship was leaving the shore.

It looks like a pirate work,

this time round, I was with many of my friends,

though the person sitting at the front holding the steering wheel was my ex chinese teacher.

Xin, me and QAD was onboard, the rest I don’t see them before but I am familiar with them in virtual.

We hang on to the structure of the ship, which is similar to the parts of a kid’s playground today. The climbing net I guess. But was of larger surface area which spreads out to the of the wooden rotten ship and attached to a standing pole.

The ship started moving once everyone is on-board. It steers in the direction into the open sea where only a borderline separates the sky and the ocean. Until we moved from the shallow water into the deep.

It was more than a fantasy, giving the scenario and the sky, direction of wind. The water surface is smooth, there were no waves.

There was a shadow, a huge one, which looks like a monster’s shape shadowed deep within the depth of the water! It’s just looming and swimming against the current, following my ship closely.

Holding on to the ropes tightly to not fall into the sea, there is no top deck at all, all I can see beneath my feet was the sea surface and rushing waters. QAD was just beside me. Holding on as well.

Just so fascinating! My brain exclaimed, while my physical body was lying dead log on my bed. I can feel it exactly.

It disappear totally when the sky zoom into dark blue colour, the changing hue was awesome!

We reached the darker waters which looks very much like an ocean. In the middle of nowhere, the pitch black sky with no stars, and the wind blowing in my direction, brushing my hair against my face.

I realized the shadow was long gone. We’re closer to something. ?

The moon was our only source of light. To be able to see my QAD, though we didn’t talk a bit.

Just as we approached a shoreline, and I saw joeson, my ex classmate back in Sec.

This time round, my moving vehicle changed. Maybe my soul was tired so my mindset decided to shirt my boat technically into something I can rest on.

It becomes a yacht, fully one where it looks like that with metal bars and I was holding on to it tightly.

It was a miracle just like rope turning into metal !

 

This time round, I was at the top deck,when Xin jumped off-board. I shouted at her, screaming at the top of my lungs trying to get her back before the yacht left the shore again on its journey. Joeson quickly push her aside and occupy the last available space for Xin.

I hold on to the metal bar tightly, hanging on my dear life, for I felt fatigue after the travel.

I was standing on the ramp, holding on the bars at the side of the yacht.

 

Then I woke up, I slept again.

The sky is lighter blue this time.

It was not an illusion right? Because the next thing that appears on my mind is this place.

With a grand nicely built tunnel on soft ground. Surrounded it are the trees and waterfalls. It looks like a garden on shore.

My yacht reaches the shoreline and it becomes another boat material.

Just like the sea shadow, me and QAD were both undercover, she steering the wheel and  me looking at the map beside her. We were trying to change our direction of the boat and quickly leaving the shore. IDK why.

The place looks highly integrated and engineered perfectly. But there were no souls around to approach.

Is this our base maybe?

Or we’re just running troops, escaping an island?

Shall let my unfinished dream finished tonight to know the ending perhaps.

 

 

 

 

He cares for me

God, thank you so much,

my hundred percent gratitude, because

you’re forever there for me.

Though I didn’t kept my promise, to read the bible,

you sent my colleague once again to remind me,

by leaving an open browser of bible reading to me before she left.

Father, you place her to plant seeds in my heart,

to continue to grow in faith and in Christ.

Lord, I love you.

In his precious name

Amen

 

A missing organ

I am suspecting myself to not have a uterus, or a deformed one.

That explains my very late puberty or my primary amenorrhoea symptoms right?

I mean why is this so. Even if my mummy explains to me her condition is just the same.

Just delayed, nothing’s wrong.

 

But daddy had different views.

He knows how bad it is to have skipped millions of woman cycles till my age.

I am already 19 and yet nothing explains my condition except that I am not a human, isn’t it?

Maybe I’m just not a girl.

I am confused about my gender already.

Why are people getting sad out there, 

everyone has their own story.

Looking around the bus and see their glum faces.

Don’t feel like staying around earth anymore.

 

Le me appreciate the last bit of my life while I’mma possible diagnosed with cancer or anything due to my not even there menstruation cycles.

It is already very embarrassing and hurtful to not have one, though it saves money.

It is me being crippled in my womb. And still there are people who can seriously joke about it openly -.-

And nobody around me is taking it to heart except papa.

Should I just see a doctor myself. Or should I just wait and die off slowly.

 

Because cancer is a deadly thing after all.

We’re all bound to die,creatures.

好人干的好事

又是他!

我的美好人生就要给他摧毁!

都是他!

把我的电话号码交给上司

导致我不得安宁!

成天收到他公司发的信号!

还给老娘一天打三百通的电话!

 

好一个好人!

最好不要让我再看到你!

否则你全家上上下下

狗血淋头!

老娘累了!

我想隐姓埋名, 换张脸, 到别处去流浪。从前的爱恨纠结忘的一干二净。 做自己很辛苦,做别人来得好,给我剧本 让老娘活得有规律,靠这个演, 多靠谱。 不哭不闹 不三上吊。简单普通安排好好, 照着做就好, 不用脑最好!

Disheartened

Image

 

She look too sweet and elegant to be the female escort seriously :/

 

Image

 

The one on the left used to be my secondary school schoolmate :/

This is embarrassing and I did saw her once or twice in a MRT few times before after graduated.

I guess I just have to brace myself that not all girls appreciate their body.

Please do love yourself more:)