Punishment

Guess God made me miss school today,

made people around me worry,

for a reason.

Because I done something terribly wrong.

I hurt the person I loved most in my clique.

 

And there, I am

moaning a million times.

Suffering the high temperature torment.

 

Just ended phone call with J.

The appreciation hour has yet start.

Ms Gan is not there yet.

 

My report undone and tomorrow’s the deadline.

And my fever is so not subsiding.

But the most insufferable thing is that

I had her on my mind all these while.

 

Since last night, after I came back from JJ and Ning’s present hunting tour.

I dreamt that QAD forgave me.

So nice I wouldn’t want to wake up anymore.

 

Read her post moments ago.

Mama came to take care of me.

I waterfall for a minute and she came banging me front door.

Got the shock of my life.

 

I am so dizzy right now, and dying.

But what I really want to say is.

This fever makes me realise the most important fact

to me,

is that

I love my QAD.

Just like how I love God and J.

 

When I say I regretted not leaving her.

Is because I don’t wish to hurt her anymore.

But now I know, leaving her hurts her the most.

And hurts me the most.

 

She is working extra days now, and I don’t wish to become a burden for her.

But seriously, I am an irritating fellow.

 

And QAD don’t have to be tired anymore.

Or even sick of holding on.

Because it’s my turn.

To hold on.

 

Fact is that I will regret even more if I chose to give you up in the first place.

 

WAH, I write one sentence, go lie on my bed for 15 minutes.

lol.

Seriously this is not fever bah?

Guess this is mentally illness. lol

 

And JJ, he really is one huge spender.

With his credit card,

he spent up to 200 bucks.

 

And I went forever21 to get a piece of smiley for Ms Lena 😀

Hope she likes it! Because I love her present.

WAHAHAHA

 

And QAD ar,

Sorry for putting words into your mouth.

Now I know this is not an act of kindness.

This is an act of deceiving.

 

Sometimes I must really learn the art of dao-ing.

Maybe I can live my life better if I know lesser things.

Must act blur. hahaha

Learn from J de mama.

 

And LD’s part,

He got hurt from past experiences.

Just hope he not bring them into the next.

Those happenings must help him grow, not pull him down.

I will pray for him.

 

And I agree with QAD max, when she says

收拾好心情

Because that is what J told me too.

This is the only way out.

放条出路给自己吧

🙂

 

EH! And still I want to say,

I am not planning to throw QAD away kay!

Because I sucks in planning D:

 

The camera, still not fix.

I guess I must go wash the film to see

what shocking photos we took the other day.

 

Aiks. Me and my random nature forever.

All my single paragraphs like no link de ):

 

Lastly, I freaking love J. (Cos he say he love me :P)

Thanks God for everything. For giving me such a wonderful QAD and J and LD and my clique.

And also,

THANKS FOR THE FEVER.

awww who in the world would do this?

Only those who

烧坏脑了!

 

 

Heartbreak

QAD,

I regretted not leaving you back then.

When I delete my blog, and everything, you shouldn’t stop me.

Because you must know if you did, you will regret it too.

 

 

So much for you to miss me in your blog, so much for all the loving and care.

I betrayed you again. 

I will never forgive myself ever again.

I don’t even deserve you.

I saw the songs and posts dedicated to me.

You really, love the wrong person.

 

 

The biggest mistake probably, is knowing me, is accepting me into your life.

When my heart is torn by a guy, you mend me.

Actually, you shouldn’t.

You should let me bleed to death.

Because even if so, I can never atone for my sins. 

 

When you are thinking hard on how to heal me of my pain, 

I am hurting you in the dark.

你的心, 真的很美, 是我在这世上看过最美的。

 

 

 

Nobody can ever be compared to you, including me.

Because of my wicked nature, I done things to hurt you.

Even before you ask me not to show LD your post,

I already gave him your link long ago.

 

So long so long ago.

I never intend to ask for your forgivness.

You don’t have to worry for me, or feel hurt ever again.

Because I will never have any chance to.

 

Save that big part of your heart for someone else.

For somebody better than me a million times.

Not for one big evil person like me.

Do not waste your time and love on me.

 

I bet what you wanted to tell me on the last day of attachment,

will never be told.

And do not believe whatever I wrote on my blog for you.

Because they were lies.

If I really love you that much, I wouldn’t even dare to try,

to try to bend you, to try to sacrifice you.

 

 

You can throw away everything I gave you.

And every memory, don’t keep em.

 

我伤害了身边的人

我不配拥有任何东西

所以我什么都没有

我知道了

 

 

Even if I am a bad person, with an evil heart.

I cannot die.

Because I have to live with my sins forever.

To be constantly reminded of the pain I caused in other’s life.

To go to hell.

自爱

要很爱很爱自己!

Anyway, side track for a moment,

QAD said something about J.

MSN conversation

 

awwwwww,

if he knows that.

He is all sooooo gonna be so full of himself again.

 

So back to topic,

I really need to learn how to love myself more.

So I need to praise myself so very often such that,

I AM BEAUTIFUL!

:/

*feels weird*

*feeling faint*

*going to vomit*

*out of breath totally*

Okay so much for me being a crazy fellow here.

 

I don’t have to say anything

I paid the price of choosing what I think is best for me.

And I will live with it throughout my life.

 

 

 

Think AHPEK really loves me:)

Because other than my special gift for work/IAP.

He doesn’t make me wear coins, or go back to visit him.

Seems like he knew. He knows that I love God:)

 

Carellyn once said, no matter which, all meant good.

As long as I know what’s best for me.

What I really want to do, and love to.

I will be happy.

And I choose to love God!

 

Because he love us first.

And loving him is sooooo wonderful.

Remember what promise I made during my years,

To seek, serve and follow Christ.

 

I am still waiting.

For myself to grow up.

Mama is still being paranoid, and negative.

But I want to.

Since I already prove to papa, I really want God in my life.

I got Gina’s support.

I must gather all my courage,

to confess to Mama.

 

So what if she stop me from attending service?

My heart, body and soul belongs to him.

I want him so much I can’t imagine.

I am soo filled with him, I am certain I want nothing other than to bathe in his love.

 

Counting down, another 2 years.

When I get into Uni with LD,

I’m free!

 

As for now, I can prepare myself,

learn more about how to love properly without hurting myself.

And I will continue to love.

To love people around me:)

 

And while LD NS-ing,

I must fastfast use my two years time wisely,

Though, there is a probability I cannot enter the same uni as him ):

Because he score way better than me D:

But still, I hope whatever happens.

 

He will get what he want, do something he really like and I can go with the flow,

and make myself comfortable.

AND!

seriously, I wish he can pick up the courage to love QAD OPENLY.

Because whether she accept it or not,

he can account to himself that he tried his best.

And who knows what?

If you open up, people will open up to you too.

Always take the first step.

Okay, thats what I do.

I don’t have special powers, but I believe in love.

And if you do, you will be like Happy Feet2 😀

 

Doing AES now.

Multitasking 😛

Tomorrow I need get back to school for SMA.

I know JJ they all in school 😀

But Q-lab is so far away):

Maybe I should eat canteen food for the very last time

before I leave school totally.

 

Today’s birthday surprise for LD is quite a pleasant one.

He didn’t cry :/

At least it’s a happier version:)

And QAD ar, I know you wanted to write a more detailed letter as to how grateful you are to him,

should have done so 😛

 

Or maybe can place inside bloq:P

I can translate into Korean for him. HAHAHAHA

Sometimes it’s better living with the regret of something you said, then the regret of something you didn’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stand in awe of God

Whole afternoon rushing AES while entertaining TYTY.

She torn her dress and wear my mama’s big shirt D:

 

Papa is so childish, he say he doesn’t want to friend me anymore ):

As if I want to friend him D:

 

I am 80% done with AES, now moving out of the house

for AHPEK Day .__.

 

Hope he don’t mention anything outside work.

And hope he really cares for me to do this.

God knows what’s best for me right? ^-^

 

So to mention eccles 3:1-11

He has made everything beautiful on its time.

A time to weep, and a time to laugh.

A time to love and a time to hate.

I am encouraged, thanks to my cell ldr ❤

 

 

5:1-3

Do not be quick with your   mouth, 

do not be hasty in your heart,

to utter anything before God.

God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.

 

I learn to stand in awe of God 🙂 

Reality

Woke up from my two years dream.

 

Finding myself in a new world asap.

 

Yea, I admit I did like J.

As least for now.

I like him because He loves God.

He likes me because I love God.

And many more.

 

But whether we will be together, depends on everything.

I want to pray for Caleb and Doreen and their families.

I also wish Doreen to grow up faster like me:)

We all can go service together! heeee

Also, praying for my Mama.

I read her diary. Full of negative thoughts.

 

She need love. And Livana, though she scored 229 with 4 ACE.

 

Hope she discover her life to be wonderful and not results seeking.

Regina didn’t sleep for a week. Hope she can cope better with her work.

 

Mama finally make me my favourite salad ❤

I felt like I am very strong now. 

My courage and faith came back.

Though mama is abit emotionally unstable.

I replied to her diary. Scribbling like mad on her mini book.

Telling her God can help her.

And we can help each other. 

In life, there are things we cannot control.

I learnt sooo much from J. I don’t know where to start.

 

Though he got this bad habit of lying. I hope he doesn’t do that to anyone else other than me.

I pray that he can earn that genuine attitude.

Tender, loving, care is what makes me feel about him.

Despite his ego, I really like everything else about him 🙂

 

Because God loves us, so we love.

Is what I’ve learnt, the most important of all.

It felt great to be able to be filled up with love again.

 

I want Clone to feel good too. Praying for her.

I also want to pray for Pap. and his work.

J say, he want to come together with me, to love the world.

跟我一起爱身边的人.

Grateful, so much he has done for me.

And thanks FYP. Above all, thanks JQ.

Thanks God<3

 

 

I want to pray for Laocheng’s sunburn too.

Him and his kayaking life.

Sergeant in NCC not easy uh?

HAHA (idk his rank, but seems so hard)

Want pray for xin, she had her ups and downs recently.

Praying for QAD and MY for their coming FYP.

And QAD for her OTs.

 

Just feeling peaceful and lovely, to be able to form an intimate relationship with God.

Sometimes during my MRT rides, just wanna speak to him.

Chat and have my very own quiet time in my seat.

 

Lastly, 

I miss LD. Officially.

Because he has been spending way too much time and effort on Xin 😛

And he neglect QAD nvm, but he never talk to me!

He got problems lor. Because xin’s phone is my phone 😛

Everybody’s phone is my phone 😀

 

I miss lainy(wanna have fruit juice party again), zephy(has been waiting for me since long), EVE(her egg tart day!), CMaster(seeing him on 3rd so that he can bring me to my work place seeseelooklook).

 

J can be selfish at times 😛 But I can understand. Still, just wanna say what’s in the bible.

 

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

 

Buying presents for everyone with J just now at Iluma. 

Funny when J have to hoax me to have dinner, and how we can never talk yet know what each other is thinking about. How used to be together, so much that people tend to link us, and find either one of us thru each other. I like how we can quarrel and end up laughing all around.

 

Every morning, J prays. He hand me to God so that he would not hurt me. And God sent me back to him:) Before we part, I confessed. A load off my mind! Finally know how much it pains to like someone and not dare to woo that person. Poor J. HAHA

Well, saw his message on my screen (desktop), to do AES for FYP :/

Both of us are so distracted, we can’t really focus on our report recently.

Can imagine though, in the canteen I mouth those words:  我喜欢你, hoping he won’t notice and yet he saw it.

He repeat three times he likes me in school. Though there were times when I got held up by my emotions. He stood by. He say because I am worth to chase after. So that means I can enjoy and 翘脚 now?! HAHAHAHAA

But still, I pray to God before I sleep each night, 

Please don’t let J feel that he 配不上我.

Because all I want to do is to love. To love my world 🙂

My family, friends, and J.

 

Because God gave me love, for he love me first, and I love the rest.

 

(PS, no wonder J says his mama very similar to me, but what I was thinking is that his mama is a stronger woman)

 

And he is a wonderful son. Provided he confess to his parents!