Childhood

Just came back with a cat in my arms… 😀

So long since I play hide and seek with cats or kittens!!

And feel the soft grass beneath my feet…

And go to playground to climb ups and downs

And And And many more!

Long live the cats 😛

Mama just kiss one of the cats! But papa just threw a huge branch directly at a cat -.-

TSK!

Tears

忍了多久的泪, 终究会落下

悔不当初,真的很崇拜他

虽非他得位, 但我会永远支持你!

应该叫爸爸投他 ):

Mad disappointed TCB is not elected. However in my heart, he’s still forever the best candidate. The best loving father, a leader, a supporter, a beloved grandfather, to his country, to us, his supporters.

Last night at 4am, was holding on so maybe a glimpse of hope, faith and love can still carry me through. But STILL steal your egg won.

Why must every election be so competitive yet never satisfying for me? GE followed by PE, lucky the next election I am able to vote already. I must grow up fast fast. I want to take part!

When I am urhs, age 24? BUWAHAHA

if whoever I vote really did got elected, I confirm plus chop get married straight 😀

*Just joking* 😛

Pour Water

Was drinking heavily since this morning, today is Saturday, a very cold Saturday

Sore throat in the early morning and now, heartache.

Mama just called me minutes ago, lecturing me for an hour. An hour, can change somebody. I am afraid of this.

All along, I am easily influenced. This is definitely my bad point. Why would I follow the wind when I have my roots seeped firmly into the nutrients?

Seriously I need water like how much trees need watering. I also need somebody, a planter, a specialist in plants, horticulturist, to harvest me, to water me, to sunshine me and give me the correct environment to grow into a 19 year old old old old tree.

That would be my parents. In so far I’ve grown, from what I have learnt all in all, summarises into only a sentence, your parents, my parents, PARENTS are everything. You have to obey them. Also from what the bible states.

But also due to parents, conflicts can happen. I knew their hard work and efforts to nurture me into a grown up. However, times when disagreements arises, with different views on a particular problem, can spark a very deep misunderstanding.

I can be considered an obedient kid since young. That is why I suffer in silence, so I grown to be somebody who don’t bottle things as much as possible.

I am link to my ancestors. What the previous generation had done, will be done onto me someday. Just that I don’t know when is the day, the day still has to come.

My grandfather is a Christian, baptised. But not my mama. Mama believes in the existence of all Gods, to her, she respects all however she gave her faith to only GYM. Because they saved her life. And as her children, I cannot be ungrateful to them. Even if I don’t experience love in my family through them. I, my generation, is suppose to follow what parents are following. And if without GYM, I wont have a mama already, I would not have grown this big, this huge, and now so happy, so filled up with friends, with happiness, with everything I could ever had.

Still thinking can go accompany mama during FYP and also learn up ALL her sewing techniques, then sew myself a bra if possible 😛

I want a laced with green frogs and bulldogs prints on cups de opps :X

I am confused, mixed feelings, in a messed. I cant settle down my religion properly. Like how and what everybody told me: I need to grow up.

I need time, time before I decide. just like my cousin’s wifey Mei Ling. I guess next time if I have kids, I will let them choose. However their mama, me. Must stay, because I am to pay for what I borrow. Mama’s life was borrowed from GYM. I have to return her throughout my life. I have to. I am very sorry. But I have to do this.

For the time being, perhaps, or not. I must stand strong. God, my precious father, if you’re really above watching all of this, if you’re holding on to me, please guide me. Tell me what to do. This spiritual battle is going on and on and on. It will never stop.

And me,

I am going to put a stop to this,

Myself.

Libra

How about some bad things you can find in a typical Libra?

Indecisive. I am trying my best to make decisions faster and better by pushing myself hard, which uses almost half of my life battery at a time.

Changeable: I tried to suppress myself when I am at my extremes, when I make sudden changes to my mood and my habits.

Gullible: Trying to think twice, making sure I only believe everything at 50% until I come to have any proof, or seen it with my own eyes.

Easily influenced: I stand strong in my beliefs and values, having others to think I am stubborn and not flexible.

I tried so hard to be a perfect person. To become somebody I can never be. This is my mistake. I never know myself properly, I focus so much on my negative points that I neglected what I really need to to love myself.

From the start, I rely on people around me to love me, I forgot what best is to accept myself first before others come to accept me.

What I read on FB: It’s hard to find yourself in a world so centered around perfection, when in reality imperfection is what defines us.

Why am I behaving this way? Why would I walk home crying like somebody who is out of her mind. When I receive Zephy’s message,

I nearly break down in the MRT. I bet he don’t know I have a bloq, and my previous posts were all in Chinese, he cant read Chinese obviously.

Yet, whenever I feel sad, whenever I am down. Whenever I felt like I am infected with some kind of bacteria disease eating me from the inside out, chewing, digesting, living on my heart. When I felt I am rotting to the core, like how do acid melt metal.

He told me that I am moody. He just call me and tell me I am moody. I don’t know how, I felt like crying all over him ):

How can somebody who knows I am sad when I don’t even know it myself? I guess I am a person who don’t really cherish nor understands my friends well. When they hope to see me so much, and once twice thrice, I forsaken them. I not turn up, nor do I arrange any meetings for them. Excuses is what I have. Again and again, I turn them down because I am so fake busy.

He ask me not to be alone recently, because my moon is not right. He lost weight, that’s what he says, I don’t know. When I told him I am not eating well, every time when I finished my meals, I felt horrible. Like I wasn’t suppose to eat at all. I told him my sleepless nights. I thought it was stress initially when all I have was my exams this week.

My cell group mates were praying for my exam and Clone’s exam recently. Did gave me a booster, motivation for my studies. I knew it, maybe that its not my exam. I just felt exceptionally sad, just purely upset with nothing. It is so worst. So bad. I have to play FB until my eyes gave in so that I can sleep.

I used to wake up feeling bright and happy, looking forward to experience the day, the love. Now, I felt gloomy, no matter how strong the rays shines straight through my windows, I felt dark. Zephy feels it too.

He says all his fellow libras felt it too. I don’t know. it is like being sad over nothing, nothing at all. I told him I have to see him soon. I need to talk. I needed him. I am running out of battery, I am soul-less, I cant feel, I am dying.

It just feels like my time is up.

Emo-ing

有时候,心里会莫名的难受,却不知道为了什么。有时候,同周围的人说说笑笑,却觉得异常寂寞和孤独。有时候,静静的看着窗外,会觉得自己是个很容易被遗忘的人。有时候,冷眼看着身边的人吵吵闹闹。有时候,觉得这个世界真的很假、很虚伪。有时候,真想就这样从这个世界上消失。

原谅我

我亲爱的父, 请原谅我, 一个是我的生父, 一个是我的天主。 真的很难过, 那感觉很难受, 如果可以, 我愿意用我剩余的时间, 好好的做人,来补偿上一辈, 全部的过错, 让我为他们赎罪, 让我补偿他们所做的一切。 真的很对不起。 我愿意偿还他们所欠的,真的愿意。

我希望可以有个真心忏悔的机会,愿主可以赐给我一颗真诚的心。让我好好的看这个世界,不要有遗憾,不要有不满,不要有痛楚,不要伤感,不要后悔,不要悲伤, 我不要。。。

我真的不要,什么都不想要。 世间的情感和事物都可以无意间变成负担。有时真得喘不过气来,生在这世上,真正的目的是什么?

我不知道,也不想知道了。

我不累,可是生活根本没意义。 短站的打算总是不够的,可使放远的看,却觉得未来渺茫,我的未来是什么?
只有上帝知道。 我要把我的生命交给你,原因就在, 我仍然相信主的存在。 父, 请你把我的伤痛都带走,把我带走,让我在天国为他们忏悔。

谢谢您那么爱护我,让我身边多了许多朋友,兄弟姐妹们,谢谢您的慈悲心怀,包容我的全部,让我永得重生。让我更幸福,更快乐。

给最爱我的上帝,我慈祥的父亲

My special Weekends before exams

Wonderful, sumptuous meal indeed!

Spent the romantic and joyous evening with my beloved clone! Thanks God for the hard to come food prepared by my cell group loves and my BBQ-ing skills need to improve! Thanks Sang for watching over the fire too 😀

Had a deep intellectual chat at the tiny squeezable “clubhouse” at the playground HAHAHA not meant for us yeaaa. And hope to send her off soon for her China exchange program 😛 Promise to talk more with Guohao, bonding is great! And Praying for my clique to be able to sit down and study better, to be more effective in their work when FYP or attachment comes along after exams. For our well-bring and for my church mates.

Also, hope I can score better for my exams as compared to my CTs. I will be sitting down to clear and refresh my mind for at least 15 minutes tomorrow before continuing my last reading of my notes before I regurgitate the lectures on Monday(:

Really happy for this whole day(: Thanks so much Father, my LORD ❤ And my papa went to visit AHPEK hehe, wont be home early. So I can slack like mad after my laundry hours, listening to songs introduced my my clone again!

I want to NAPFA good good OMS! (ohmysmurfs!) hahahaha!!

Really love spending time on friday night that stretches until saturday dawn, the dinner and movie with my whole family though the food service is not that good, unexpectedly bad, however the movie was great! Ape were good, clever creatures HAHA, too bad PAP was tired to join us. But nehmind, I bought a black "leather" wallet for laoCheng, he simply LOVES it HURRAY ❤

Grats Laode for becoming happier too! Lord answered my prayers, at least Sang told me so, so I dont really know if he did it. HAHA

*Happy**Happy**Happy*

Have a good night sleep later before I go for morning service tomorrow(:

Wan an to this world, to my family, my friends, my dearest, cutest, beloved human beings. No more no less!

Heal Me

I used to be so affected by the Good Man, thinking I wouldn’t be again, because to be hurt emotionally by him once is not careful, twice by the same person is foolish, thrice is seriously fated. However, when he brought up things I don’t want to be reminded, I am literally dumbfounded. Why would a guy want to talk about things that hurt him the most again and again openly to people all around him? It sounds like he is bragging about his business with his girlfriend, looking for people to sympathize with him, to share his sorrow perhaps, but this is really getting out of hand when he keep turning to me, and doing unnecessary comparisons, crapping things about me to anyone that he came upon. Why and how the hell one can do this, especially to his own clique member. Or somebody he once loved? Is hatred the cause? Or what is the reason behind everything?

When I have doubts, I turn to God, I pray for him to heal me of my depression, to take away my troubles, to grant me peace, to gain love, to learn, praying for love, praying for faith so that I would not fall, would not fall into emotional traps set by villains, would not fear, praying Father take away my fear, so that I can sleep well at night, so that Lord can save me, my very own saviour.

Heard him repeating what he told me previously,

 

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:8-10

 

Joshua said to them, “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the LORD will do to all the enemies you are going to fight.”

Joshua 10:24-26

 

 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

The best message today I get is when Clone mentions she would like to join me in my cell group meetings, I am all so fortunate to have her, praise the Lord, Thanks Father for gaining me a friend, another child of yours, gathering us together to share about you, your words, to cease sufferings, to not worry, to have courage and faith for you. To love you and be hungry for you Lord, Father thanks for this very wonderful surprise and hearts after enduring this whole day of pain.

 

Though I did not curse him, however I did predict and feel that The Good Man’s relationship is not very stable and is going to fall, to shatter, to collapse, to fail is all I can see. However Lord, I pray, sincerely for him. I pray for him to patch with his girlfriend, to grant him knowledge on how to handle relationships better, to give him love Lord, to love him like your child, to love him more than you love me Father, to be with him, stay with him, so that he will one day come to you Lord, come to you and acknowledge you as his personal saviour, to open his heart, and settle him in his mind and soul, so that he can be happy Lord, be happy with you, with his friends, with his relationship and his surroundings.

 

I am so dependent on writing my prayers almost always. HAHA anyway, the most important thing is my faith, and my exam. I shall pray for everybody’s exam mood and motivation tonight. Let’s turn in early, sleep more equivalents to more energy tomorrow! ❤

Soul Narrator

Listening to 2NE1 for like 24 hours already…

Guess what? A chalet with sea view!! May sound nice to you, however it seems like the interior design, the people involved, the settings and atmosphere, the ambient, the taste smell, sight of every single detail you can find in a room with two beds are more captivating to me…

It wasn’t a simple one!! As complicated as it sounds to be, this is by far the best chalet I ever had, its exactly like those you get to see in movie, not as luxurious, as extravagant, as rich nor grand, but it’s the simplest thing called love that makes everything seems complete, fully perfect 😀

With my cutest beloved QAD, the superb ALPHA senior Laode, chubby cheery Babe, lovely growing Sunshine, loudest hyperactive waterboyy, energetic and cool Jean’s brother, & MEMEME, the world’s craziest creature, with a hint of beastie nature together with the an indifferent peaceful grace. Sounds too good to be true any ways.

Though its as simple as it appears to others, we’re a clique… We’re like a huge family, having a gathering on a weekend (a.k.a Family Day), a clan where we cycle like we’re going on expedition, a crowd especially when we seems overcrowded in certain circumstances, folks we’re all old people okay another way of saying is matured beings 😛 BEST OF ALL, WE”RE KINS. It’s the closest bonds that we can ever from going through thick and thin during these 3 years we could ever have in our life.

The unbreakable ties we have, even if we fight like mad, argue like crazy, sarcastic, or even being aggressive to each other, scream each other’s heads off, getting all so angry and petty with every one of us, even if we truly hate, annoyed, irritated, or even times when we get very nasty in our language, spiting bad words, or censorious languages, all in all.

We still love each other to the CORE, believe it or not, we get together even more closer after every single negative, we sing song after every nasty claims, we patch right after we fight, we hugs after we curse, we adore and respect and LOVE(:

It’s a give and take thing, we don’t rush, & if we do it only shows that we’re excited, we forgive & forget, it’s the best thing so far I have found in our CLIQUE, only ours have it ❤

I can give you 100 reasons why I hate QAD especially, but I can give you 1000 reasons why I exactly LOVE her sooo mad much: P

The friendship, the kinship, the every single bond we shared is more than what we think as covalent, metallic or ionic, it’s not those hydrophobic ones nor salt bridges, linking hydrogen bonding or van der Waals, it’s the (wait I check dictionary… :P) OMG I saw the definition of MAGGOTS -.-

Alright, it’s the invisible attachment we have for each other that causes us to devote and love. To have faith in each other when in time of danger, or not when we faced obstacles in our live, we turn to each other. The strong dependence and how we trusted ourselves to lean in, to uncover, to explore, to thrive the kingdom, to be the best: D

Though it’s the very last outing we could have for each other, let’s just have it the best, AND NOW, its memories we have. AND my soul came back while I slept yesterday, I dreamt of the place again. I bet one night stand is not for me, HAHAHAHAA

They say let’s have another chalet again until we get so used to it, we can always stay up all night chatting and playing high 😀

For me, I wanna have another day where we get to scream at the top of our voice for pictureka, bullshitting all the way, chomping on our snack like we've never eaten for days, wanna have another night where we get to cycle the spirit out of us, get to breathe the same air in this mini yet spacious room that contains not only our beings, but our feelings we all have for each other.

Cheers to my fellow brothers & sisters. The fellowship we can ever have, cheers to the memories we will never forget, to the ties we will never separate. Once again, CHEERS to our lives we uphold against all evil creatures!! Nothing can bring us down as we stand strong.

God bless ❤