Listening to Talking to the moon by Bruno Mars now…
This morning, I set off to school 45 minutes after I woke up from my very cozy and blue bed with flourished pinky walls. A simple Friday like how it was supposed to be, I raise my lazy upper body and sit up straight yawning while stretching as I smile to the brand new day, to my Rachel poster right at the end of my bed stuck on the wall. Place my feet to the cool cold ceramic flooring, gazing to my pap’s sleeping figure. He is so much older than I thought his age.
Stepping into my bathroom, hung my towel up the metal hook at the side pane of my mini windows. Soon after, I dress promptly like what I’ve done for the past 18 years of my life, packed my Bible and a piece of advertisement into my file. Pap stuff a mini water bottle in my – mini brown leather side pouch. I think he saw my bible, I’m pretty sure he did.
Reminded to lock the door before I go, I left my house door and went down the lift. Board the bus 246, tap my card, plunge my bottom into an empty seat, and listen hardly to Rachel’s album. Reached my destination, once again tap my card and get on a train.
11am trains always seem abandoned, dead silent, hollow and clear. It left me staring at my file on my lap. My red colored bible cover was facing me, or me, it seems so foreign to me, even if it’s mine. Pick it up in my palms; I flip to the page that wrote ‘The old testament Joshua 1:6-9. Reading the paragraph, it dawns on me that Lord is talking to me thru the bible, tells me to be strong and courageous.
I don’t know why and how, tears trickled, says him “ be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them.  Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.  Do not let the Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.  Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”
A story, yet the two repeating words just hit me, hit me hard and deep. It’s raining cats and dogs, strong winds and howling’s sounds on the train panes. Me, strong, courageous, Lord is telling me to be strong and have courage, determination and spirit in him. In our relationship, in my relationships, in everyone’s. This is the first time, I’m receiving a response.
Since young, I had written hundreds of letters and stuffed it under my pillows, hoping there will be any kind soul to answer them. I had millions of wishes and prayers; I put them down in words on papers, I wrote to my parents, and I wrote to my earlier spiritual beings, shall not name her. How disappointed am I, as a child, nobody cares. That was what I told myself. No one will.
Facing difficulties in my childhood, growing in fear and anger, my family, my financial status, never did I rest in peace, not a single solution, any harmony. Yes, I have friends, many of them who can spend our time with each other. But never do I feel complete, not because I wanted any extra companionship, but my emotions my unsettled feelings. I am a very curtained person, I can tell you how and where I really wanted to be, being indecisive is my weakness. So I tried my very best since long, to become somebody who can handle stress, who can decide things properly and not dally wasting my time away on unnecessary decisions. Yet, my religion‘s a mess, really, I have no where I really belong. I have pictures of Buddha, Lord, everything I have gotten from the shelves of temples, churches, and any other religion. And I just carry them with me with no meaning. I learnt how to read scriptures since young, I learnt how to carry an amulet around me wherever I go, I hold burning incense sticks (standard 3) between my palms and pray when my parents tell me to do so, always, I don’t have anything to say to them. Because I knew right from the start, anything I pray will not come true. Almost every weekend, I visit the temple, kneeling in front of the statues, blank in the mind, looking at their faces.
How long do they need to paint these beautiful statues, was my only thought. There were times, I saw my Ma crying, and throwing the standard red coloured sheng bei wooden blocks wishing for answers. Never a time, have I seen her not crying at all. Many times she would tell me, how her religion saved her life, saved my younger sister’s life, she nearly had a miscarriage and she prayed at the temple, she told me she had asked her God to save her baby and that she would in exchange, give her life devoted in taking care her baby. Her religion, there is this practice, when there is any baby with ill fate or health status, are sent to become the God’s son or daughter to become well again. We call them godson and god-daughter. And only this way, can we save babies from dying, give them good life and etc.
My Ma is a Buddhist, My Pap is a Taoist. I was influenced, not exactly, but they always say parents wish are your commands. I did, I obey them and adore them so much I was led into something I don’t ever believe, yet I have to speak in their language, wear what they gave, and do whatever they want. I am not being forced of course. But what I am sure is that, this is not what I want in my life.
Subsequently, living in the unknown, the uncertainty and fear gradually takes over me, yet I’m being devoured by nothingness. The empty soul of mine, never satisfied, never filled. Ma was very obsessed with her religion, she stopped me from attending church services, I can understand because that’s not what she had believed in. Study, study, study is what they want me to do, but never did they think studying is never life. It is what people do when they want to find out more about their world. But to study is not to spend whole of your time buried in books. I realize I have more pictures of me being in a temple as compared to being in a church.
Still, I love books. I read them, kept them nicely on my shelves, picking them up to read again and again. I love books so much. And lucky y parents had me reading since young, it is like connecting the dots of my past and from my point now, when I look back I know what I had done right. She brought me to her temple, wanting me to go under the punishment of Buddha, wanting guan yin ma to tame me and my “spoilt” self. I look upon GYM like my mother, that’s what Ma made me call her when young along with my siblings, but all she does was smile. But when I see her smile, it will remind me how pathetic I am, all the letters, all the pain, all the no reply…and there she was always smiling at me…
Religions are not sensitive to some, but still some spent the whole of their lifetime struggling with this.
When I grow into a sturdy teenager,(of course, after much counseling from my primary and secondary school teachers, friends and counselors about my family situations), my cousin age 30-40 plus, went into what certain sects of Taoism is doing, featuring spirit possession, while my cousin is a Taoist spirit-medium. This is called Tang-Ki in Chinese; human being’s bodies were possessed by deities and gave advice to their believers or disciples. The deity this time round is not from what they call their heaven (sky), but from the hell (below earth). We call him Ah Pek, the second in charge, who appears to be black from head to toe, with tongue as long as his dress and covered in olden day’s clothing. I shall skip his history (a very long story).
I am already 17 of age and that I have this ex-boyfriend of mine whom the deity objected our relationship. He summoned me via my Pap, speak to me in a ferocious way, warning me that he is of no husband material to me, and that we will not last anyway, stop giving my family problems by seeing each other. Despite my parents’ strong objection and intervention into my r/s with my ex, I never gave up. That is also why I have to face Ah Pek. He made me promise that I will study hard for my very last year of polytechnic and not to see the guy ever again. I did. I said yes.
I did went thru withdrawal symptoms like most separated couples did on this earth, hell pained and insufferable, yet I’ve done it. It’s as if a punishment from hell was given to me to break up with him. I guess, I’m made of stone. Never once I drop a single tear after I lost contact with him for like half a year. I stopped myself from face booking for a year. I deleted his contacts, however kept his letters with me, his drawings, probably the feelings. How can one erase their feelings to somebody? I am only a human being.
To mention, Pek also helped me and my brother scored great results in our exams. I don’t know how he did it. And he used his paintbrush to draw something behind my ears saying I am a very ear sensitive person and that I am easily influenced by listening.
Since then, I was not summoned by Pap, nor does Ma come to me trying to lecture with her religion. But, our family went into turmoil, so unbearable, we have lesser to eat, living solely on my bursary and Regina’s salary (she’s the breadwinner of the family at that point of time). My siblings’ needs nutrients to grow, and they are not eating right. Don’t know how to explain or elaborate, but still God came.
Praise the Lord hallelujah
I missed you Lord, I seriously do. Since I was forbidden to attend my earlier church with this good friend of mine, QianYi, anyways I miss her. I can really swear upon my grandfather’s grave that having faith in Lord is the best decision I have ever made in my life. QianYi bought me to church when I am secondary 2, also my CCA helps me get closer to Lord, reading the bible, going for cell group meeting, Sunday service. It sounds very systematic, but I am not one person who get influenced easily, who follows only the crowd, who do things without any serious considerations. Thought I am one who hardly thinks of any consequences. I went to Church of Singapore (Bukit Timah) for 2 years plus. When God is there, I don’t cry, nor I shed any tear, I am happy, I feel proud of him, I felt love. He gave me everything what I don’t have before. Lord makes me feel complete. It’s the thing I lack since early childhood. Lord gave me life.
But I am all so regret, regret not returning his love for me, back to him earlier. Regretting not trusting in him, not having enough faith and went back again and again to my parents religions. If only I trust him…
Everyone is different, some may only trust Lord after they came out of prison, and some only trust Lord when they repent, while some trust in him since young. Whichever way, we will go to heaven. This is fair because our sins kept us all apart from him, the Lord. We all sinned, we are born sinned. No parents can teach a child to lie, but yet one can without anybody teaching him/her, why? Because sins are in us from the moment we’re born. However believing in him, the one who’s our savior, will save us, from our sins.
Jesus Christ died on the cross for me; he acts as a bridge, connecting me to God, returning his love. He is my beloved father; our holy spirit will be there to protect us from satanic stuff. Sins will not keep me away from him again. I ask for forgiveness from God, I want Lord to be my savior; it is the only way I can be freed of worries, fear, troubles, and problems. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, feel with my heart and soul that I am complete only when I am with you.
I pray for my friends, family to be saved. I will be strong and courageous; I will never leave you again. The times when I always believe in you, my parents stopped me, Satan stopped me; I will not fall into their trap again. Nothing can stop me from loving you. Because you love us like how you love your children, always standing at the gate of heaven waiting for us to come back to you. I’ve come back (:
NOW I KNOW, I won’t be spending my time talking to the moon, writing useless letters and expecting replies from them, I won’t be sad because I found you. Lord had always lived in me since the birth of my life, however I waited for so long, (he too) for me to accept him with all my heart. I prayed in the MRT cabin, I asked for his forgiveness. I was shedding tears like mad, and lucky all the rest were sleeping.
I came to this earth with nothing, no clothes, no money, no nothing, but now I can say, I can tell this world, I am leaving with God with me, a loving father by my side. HE is going to bring me to heaven and spend time with me forever. This is eternity, we will have eternal life, and it all starts from now. I spent 3 hours writing this post. Its 3:24pm now. I have cell group meeting with my leader Janice later at Clementi: P
Every time I keep my fingers crossed, praying to God how much I need him with me and thanks Lord I can survive another day, the sounds of my heartbeat reverberate from the vibrations of my pulse thru veins and flesh. The echoes came, his love came, not tears, no sadness, at last, I found my heaven…
Blood of Christ is flowing in me(:
-Written in the school library since 1:13pm by the child of God –