Cut my heart open

I re-browse my blog

it is literally click-click-click-click

until i view everything all over again

Start to think,

i still dont understand myself

What for read all sorts of books and beliefs

when i fail to identify

who really am I

I am very upright with facing my own feelings emotions

But why still cant figure out

what my brain is thinking all along ?

Qad was my life, without her, i’ll die.

Laode is my guardian, without him i’ll die

I am my own shell, without me, i cant exist.

Dont even have borne to start with, let say die

Without my family, i’m all alone

Without this earth, i’ll be nothing

This is the current.

Why i spend so much time cherishing

when i dont even know where am i now

Its so complicated

I went back to see my history because

i need to see what shit i’ve done in the past

the promise.

i made to him.

And i realise when i dont use names to indicate promptly,

i lose

lose track of what i’m writing

Its the same blog, different post, same typing speed,

same feelings, same me


different me

is that why i dont understand what i’m doing in the past ?

I see a selfish, conceited, stupid, ignorant girl.

Its the past me.

I cant believe it.

Maybe i make the wrong decision

for looking back

because now, right now,

i hate my old me.

Even in relationships, i was like negative, negative, negative.

I dont even set good example.

How would i want my friends to be happy in relationships too ?

Realise my blog werent even better than my qad’s 1/2

Mad destructive !

GRRRRRRRRRRR I have to be expressive NOW


Its New Year, yet i’m so not stable.

sitting in front of my screen typing

how drown i am

losing grip now

i dont know whats happening still


I only know i’m mad unsatisfied with the old me.

But wasting time doing this is pure dumb

because its all over, why am i REMINISCING ?

This time was different

I am myself all along,

yet i changed so much

its too over-whelming


I need something real, something i can hold&touch now

Hmms, but come to think of em all

If i dont go back to see whats wrong with me last time

then i would most probably forget all of em !

My brain got such ability

to filter bad stuff

only remembering the goods


Dont look back.

YEP ! dont look back.

Lucky i dont write blog often. If not,

It would be 100 times longer than computer scripts.

My brain is complicated, so do everyone’s

&lucky i’m not normal

if not i’ll burst.

So much things to handle !

&i type whatever comes to my mind at the instant,

no censoring or filtering.

If not, nothing makes sense anymore

AND I BET this draft wont make sense either

even if everything is








Go back ? maybe not.

If i’m totally unaffected

i wont be writing this now

but how should i respond?

to undying love

left by him ?

how could i make him understand

if love

has broke,

its broken.

I cant even picture myself saying sorry

but i did.

He gave me all his love,

but what i gave him was.

Goodbye. .

These weeks, ‘ve been sleeping late

Staying up playing back myself leaving

When his birthday passed,

i didnt call.

I keep going back to the times

when we were togther

really really togther

where we really did belong to each other

it turns out freedom aint nothing but missin him

having illusions of him everywhere

The first night when he saw me cry

how he comb my hair

how we learned to write each other’s names

how we could depend on each other

Probably mindless dreaming

If we loved again, i swear i’d love you right

but everything is over now, everything ‘s over long ago.

I’d go back in time and change it but i cant

Regret is one thing,

yet understanding is another.

If we can learn how to let go this time,

learn that actually

happiness is not something we can share

is something that belongs to us individually.

Something we must fight for ourselves.

Something we can have even if

we dont belong to each other


Inspired by Taylor Swift – Back to December

& Our conversation.