I re-browse my blog
it is literally click-click-click-click
until i view everything all over again
Start to think,
i still dont understand myself
What for read all sorts of books and beliefs
when i fail to identify
who really am I
I am very upright with facing my own feelings emotions
But why still cant figure out
what my brain is thinking all along ?
Qad was my life, without her, i’ll die.
Laode is my guardian, without him i’ll die
I am my own shell, without me, i cant exist.
Dont even have borne to start with, let say die
Without my family, i’m all alone
Without this earth, i’ll be nothing
This is the current.
Why i spend so much time cherishing
when i dont even know where am i now
Its so complicated
I went back to see my history because
i need to see what shit i’ve done in the past
i made to him.
And i realise when i dont use names to indicate promptly,
lose track of what i’m writing
Its the same blog, different post, same typing speed,
same feelings, same me
is that why i dont understand what i’m doing in the past ?
I see a selfish, conceited, stupid, ignorant girl.
Its the past me.
I cant believe it.
Maybe i make the wrong decision
for looking back
because now, right now,
i hate my old me.
Even in relationships, i was like negative, negative, negative.
I dont even set good example.
How would i want my friends to be happy in relationships too ?
Realise my blog werent even better than my qad’s 1/2
Mad destructive !
GRRRRRRRRRRR I have to be expressive NOW
IF NOT IM GOING TO DIEEEEEE
Its New Year, yet i’m so not stable.
sitting in front of my screen typing
how drown i am
losing grip now
i dont know whats happening still
I only know i’m mad unsatisfied with the old me.
But wasting time doing this is pure dumb
because its all over, why am i REMINISCING ?
This time was different
I am myself all along,
yet i changed so much
its too over-whelming
I need something real, something i can hold&touch now
Hmms, but come to think of em all
If i dont go back to see whats wrong with me last time
then i would most probably forget all of em !
My brain got such ability
to filter bad stuff
only remembering the goods
Dont look back.
YEP ! dont look back.
Lucky i dont write blog often. If not,
It would be 100 times longer than computer scripts.
My brain is complicated, so do everyone’s
&lucky i’m not normal
if not i’ll burst.
So much things to handle !
&i type whatever comes to my mind at the instant,
no censoring or filtering.
If not, nothing makes sense anymore
AND I BET this draft wont make sense either
even if everything is
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR ! ❤