my love
is keeping me
going back to
him for more.
but i cant! ><
i need to get a life
i cant stick toh im
cant i just wake up?!
im so sick of myself
wanna die.
im not myself anymore.
im so deadmeat.
i didnt even do any
of my stuff
i feel so sick some more
so sickening frustrating.
im so dependent on my feelings
i cant even get thing right
i dont want to love him.
i dont want
i dont want
i should get a cage
and ground myself.,
i should stop acting like a siao
i should die


These days,
i’ve been thinking much of him
why did he ditched me
or some sort of
reason like this&that
but ended up i can only blame myself
for being such a poor& useless
but no matter hwo much i’ve given my thoughts to it,
everything were my fault
& nw no matter how much iwanted to carry
those responsibilities,
i couldnt.
but luckily,
its all oer.
if not i will be worst.
anyways i ‘ve read his blog
the other day
i found out he had alot of disatisfaction with me
its lucky we were over
if not everything could have become my burden again
& i dont know how he could keep so much with him
& its like he used to say i thought alot.
but in actual fact,
he thought of more stuff than me
he thought of things
even I. ME!
didnt think of.
its weird eh.
& all he said, i can proof them wrong
but i couldnt now
cos its all over
so now, i rather i have let him misunderstood me
than to clarify things
cos everything;s over.
i should walk out of him.
& be myself.
thats what i keep reassured of myself
these days
& no matter how much
i still love him.
i hate him equally much.
cos he biases.
simply biased(:


im so sicked for days
i skipped school on friday
i didnt even sent in my mc
i didnt even have mc to send in
no money to see doc
then i have to lie
on my bed
like a sick
waiting for death to arrive
at my doorstop
& i’ve got so mnay things
& assignments
and reports
and projects
i even lost my bichem practical manual
my life’s in a mess right now
i have to restart everything. hais.
feel like breaking down
now still dizzy
even after slping for days
i even left my reports to caleb
so that he could help me pass up.
my qin ai de most poor thing
i sick like =
to she sick
she gotta
help me with my homework more&more
even have to come my house to help me
with my work
and update me with latest stuff
so xing ku ta le.
& me still trying to catch up
with my breath
than to do anything else.
just hope i can die soon);

Holding on to mylast hope.

     sob! 38 degree celsius):
i hope i can wake up by tomorrow
sniff* sniff*
&& its like i got phobia of air cons already
&& i love my baobei erzi! x)
my xiao baobei. wahahaha
& i rejected him already. lols
so im single again!
me too greedy
me realise i took him as sub
i better stop before i did sth wrong again.
must stop killin people
mentally ><
&& i learn to eat mcspicy!
&& learn my ex’s favourite stare!
opps :X
look around*
okay safe-.-
its like i’ve learnt!!1
he used to love looking at me with that stern face.
then turn around to focus somewhr.
then back again.
i bet he dont knw how beautiful he was
when he do this-.-
but i cant rmb this. omfg! ><
&& zephy<3
my best friend.
he always teach me how to catch stars! xD
then i caught stones instead-.-
& actually stars are stones!
only pro people like ME knows!
ohyea whr is my baobei erzi ><
gotCHA! -x
hehe. how i love him x)
he’s always my console.
my confort
my love
my eye candy
my hope.
my everything.
& though, im ditched by my ex, which is yea-.-
the first guy who ditched me.
but i still love my erzi.
cos its the only thing he left for me-.-
& i love datou.cos he’s mine forever
i dont have to share le!


dragging my heavy feets
as i walked form the station to the bus stop
my heartbeat
nearly stop
when i see a guy in green.
he look just like him.
& these 17 years
i’ve been recognising
people from their backviews
& im never wrong
so its kind of scary
same shoe same
same hair.
i speed up my pace
hoping i get get rid of
telling myself
its only lethargy
im onyl too tired.
im imagining things.
& he disappear afterwards
so sick ><
i haven
even finish my work.
& 2 hours of sleep everyday.
where’s my baby nana):
miss her so much
& i heard from ahems! my qin ai de.
she told me my baby was hers too
&& "my baobei"
sms me all day long-.-
about ancient things!
how weird-.-
what a term. haha! just
because of an accidental baobei
pop out of nowhr
onthe phone,
he became my baobei.
silly me-.-
& i cant deny i still love my ex.
its so damn obvious
how i behave in sch
& stuff
but mostly importantly is that
what i want
came true
i want people to be happy!
except me-.-
im so CHOP down to the core
& no matter how
much pain i still have to endure
so that i could ever walk out of his shadow,
his shoes,
his clothes,
his backview,
his features,
his gestures,
his smell.
& lastly, his love.
i have to. i can(:


So terribly sick eh!
hate it so much ><
cant even attend lectures properly.
so damn cold
&& its the rainy seasons
&& i LOVE my baobei! x)
Thanks yin&pin&nana&agnes&dor&jiaxin&many peopl
for their support with me
these days.
thanks for those hugs.
for those love.
so that i could get over with the past and move
on with my life
though still sick like hell.
but i felt much happier.
ai si baobei le xD
&& best wishes to everybody out thr.
grats myself for getting constant
on my work.
except cell bio :X
& finishing my presentation & other work with a superbly fine touch.
& a very BIG fullstop to my  entry


i used to think i had the answers to everything.
but now i know that life doesnt always go my way..
song lyrics. haha!
by britney spears in her everytime album
if im not wrong.
anyways my main point is that.
im out of my relationship already.
strained, i cant deny that im pretty tired
after the long run..
however it was fufilling
& once
what a beautiful dream i’ve got.
a beautiful boy i’ve met.
a bautiful past.
its only mere hours &
i told myself its already past tense.
me&him broken up.
i used to say this with pain but not now.
because i was more of ehh
confused& puzzled.
we broke up just because of his one sentence
" dont fan me anymore le"
so thats what he really wants.
he explained that he got alot of problems
& im making him cant breathe
but firstly i gotta say:
if he treat me as his girlfriend, he would tell me
what problems he facing right now
i knw he would say he dont wanna give me burden so he choose to kept it to himself.
but i can say its an excuse.
because when true love comes, nothing
can restrain it.
including problems.
thousands& millions of problems.
right now, after a nice relaxing bathe
& rushed finished my work,
i writting this blog to soothe myself.
i told sam i broke up with a
he asked me why.
i replied.
if i love him, i gotta give it his way.
so i did!
no matter how much it pains or hurt me.
now i know what is love.
love is to give.
i gave.
i know
i not only gave him love, i gave him hell lots of sadness.
but im still happy.
because at least i’ve gave him all!
all of me
now, its time for me
to give him space.
but no hard feelings
no goodbyes
just simple letting go
& this is our happy ending.
i sincerely wished he’s happy right now.
because i left him to seek for his happiness
& i know he will do just fine without me(;
& lastly,
even if i never say, doesnt mean i nvr knw.
i nvr ask, doesnt mean idw to knw.
finally, i have to self declare,
im just being too sensitive,
i never xiang tai duo.
i have reasons for every single actions
and behaviour of mine
i swear.
i loved him so much
& now.
i still love him damn lots.
& he’s forever my friend(:
my good old friend


i dont know what to say.
i’ve been out all day with Xin,Dor,Yin,Pin&Nana
all day for my project 1
presentation powerpoint slides
its nice to know Dor LOVES to shop like ME!
&when Xin&Yin went back
as well as
me Dor&Pin still shop like crazy!
okay Pin is neutral .__.
& i told them bout my boyfriend.
i always thought he loves me untill yesterday night
we had a great fight.
okay should be me alone
is i gave him a very hard time.
cos he make my family go thru once more
my mum was worried sicked.
& my dad almost got into an accident this morning.
its all his fault
he followed me hme on the train& bus
and just so nice as always ><
my dad phoned the police
just because he wants to stop him
from getting me.
& my dad untill now still thinks he woo-ing me
which is that he doesnt know we’re tgther already.
i just hopes my boyfriend respect my dad.
& love him like i do.
but he never.
he talk to him like my dad is his enemy
how i hate that.
& i rmb what the two policeman&woman said to me
she said this type of guy you like?!
see the way he treatd your dad.
see the way he talks
see the way he walks.
see everything
& i look at him for so long.
idk what to do.
yea of course. i love him
i realise
i simply cant stand
his "pattern"
& i just read an article. it says emotional guys
& guys that dont respect your family
dont deserve your respect
how i have to agree):
&& my papa told me.
if i see him again,
he will disown me
how sad):
& my parents told me tgther this morning.
that untill they step into their grave,
they dont want to see me with him.
maybe they hate him already
no is they really
hates him
very much.
what am i gonna do.
i remember the police woman told me that
look at him.
is he who you wanna marry after 10 years?
will he stay with you till the end?
i look at him.
& i couldnt say anything
because i dont know
i should have known.
but when i think clearly again.
i dontknow
& i admit i still loves him alot.
even if i really hates his attitude.
& how i dont wish to leave him.
i still rmb what the male police told me.
he says
if you want meet him
can meet farfar okay?
dont meet near your house
i was like O_O!
how i wish i can talk nicely with him.
but he dont want me anymore.
he sent me a whole chunk of offlined message-.-
i rather
he emailed me
at least
its better.
im so hurt.
i think i know what i wanna do
when i go shopping with my parents at JP
just now,
i realise they really becomes very paranoid.
my dad repels every guy who
looks like him.
every single one.
and he’ve become so sensitive untill
when he goes home
every day,
he will look around like he will kena attack
anytime anywhere
i feel so bad for making him like that
i’ve made up my mind.
thats what he gave me:

* * said (9:29 PM):

*hw have yOu been?? said (9:30 PM):

*hai hao ma??

*im so such a idiot

*hai ni dao zhe yang

*i know what i say cant made up what said (9:31 PM):

*but im really dunno what to say other den sorry

*i hav so mcuh to tell you

*but tongue-tied


*dunno whr to start

*whr to end said (9:32 PM):

*knew tat u hate me, but yet still missed yOu so much said (9:33 PM):

*nw den i know said (9:34 PM):

*when we lost sth den noe hw to zhen xi

*but its too late

*as what i know

*i dont dare wish yOu can forgive me said (9:35 PM):

*but hope u wont be angry over

*such a baichi

*nt worth

*and i dun dare to wish tat u will accept me again

*but yet still wishin

*hais said (9:36 PM):

*sayin so much also no use le

*what i shouldnt do,all have been done

*2nd time time le

*made ur dad

*so angry said (9:37 PM):

*i miscalculated

*dunno things will to this stage said (9:38 PM):

*im such a obstruction in ur life said (9:39 PM):

*wanted to just vanish in ur life

*cant just cant do it

*wanted to give yOu everything said (9:40 PM):

*but cha yi dian made u lose everything said (9:41 PM):

*is me made ur life so difficult to carry on said (9:42 PM):

*u are such a nice gal but ended up with me such a stupid idiot guy said (9:43 PM):

*i know im always zi xiang mao tun said (9:44 PM):

*i know i obstructing ur life

*and know i should leave u alone

*and vanish in ur life

*but dunno why seemed hw cant do it

*im so useless said (9:45 PM):

*when ur dad ask me

*i yang de qi ni ma

*im tongue tied


*its true

*maybe i cant giv u what ur dad is givin yOu said (9:46 PM):

*but i will give what i have

*but reality is reality said (9:47 PM):


*but one day if im success

*trust me

*i will get back to you said (9:48 PM):

*but hope tat time u wont forget about me


*i dunno when is tat day

*tat i go to yOu said (9:49 PM):

*and tell ur dad tat i yang de qi ni

*can give u what ur dad can giv de

*or even more den tat

*hope this day will come soon

*im all so stupid said (9:50 PM):

*but i will try my best to give yOu all my best

*hahas said (9:51 PM):

*i dunno why i today so mcuh gan chu

*but just want to let u noe what i tinkin abt



*wish yOu all the best

*and wish me all the best said (9:52 PM):

*dun forget me arh


*dun qiao ur head luh

*qiao le will get stupid said (9:53 PM):

*u so clever and so smart

*i scared what sia??


*rememeber to eat more lurh

*dun care what others tinks abt yOu said (9:54 PM):

*jsu care what u tink abt urself


*such a nice gal

*gei wo nong dao zhe ge yang zi

*i only know hw to block ur future said (9:55 PM):

*but just cant get off in ur life

*im so useless

*ok lurh

*stop my ruBBish le said (9:56 PM):

*take gd care of urself said (9:57 PM):

*eat more

*dun always tink tat yOu are fat


*i shouldnt started sayin u are fat said (9:58 PM):

*made u so ..

*my words really kills

*remember eat more arh

*always bu eat

*will make u weak de said (9:59 PM):

*no energy to carry on ur hw

*and go on to poly year 2

*and year 3 said (10:00 PM):

*so eat more

*bu care abt ur so called ‘fats’


*remember arh said (10:01 PM):

*dun gu fu ur dad and mum giv u de qi wang

*being a parents so hard said (10:02 PM):

*so dun make them even harder to be a gd parenti know lurh

*u always is a gd gal de

*is me made dao u like this de

*but no worries

*i will only appear in front of yOu said (10:03 PM):

*when i really yang de qi ni

*and can da sheng tell ur dad tat i yang de qi ni

*as what ur dad ask me

*i laugh

*hen irritatin said (10:04 PM):

*but only the way to let me tink u are gen wo kai wan xiao


*reality is still reality said (10:05 PM):

*i cant always pretend tat nth happenin

*time to face le

*hope tat w/o me

*u will still be a hen kai xin de gal

*with ur dad and mum said (10:06 PM):

*but i will find u when i success de said (10:07 PM):

*i dont tink i can do it lurh

*but i will try my best

*ok lurh

*take care

*i will never forget yOu de




idontknow what to reply. & i replied nothing.





Aww. Im so sicked these days.
predicted fever anywyas.
so im still alright
&& i’ve been rushing on my projects& typing like crazy in classes
& tutorials
so that i could catch up with what the
is saying about.
Its tired. its frustrating. its irritating. its troublesome.
its loving.its exciting, it fascinating. its wonderful!
how i love school.
the pinpin
have been giving me cold shoulder
since 3 weeks ago.
he keep fang kong in his own world.
untill i see him in his own thought every
single moment
& it really hurts to
have a friend so far away
& holding so many secrets with him!
he fell in love with a girl
isnt fallign in love all so sweet&nice?
why is he so terrified of felling for that girl?
who exactly is she
iwant him so much.
i’ve never wanted anybody that much in my life before untill i met him ><
i really cant cope with the intensity of
our relationship
its like so overwhelming.
i need him
every single second
thinking of him now & then
im trying so hard to hold myself tgther
so i wont break into pieces
he’s so powerful):
i cant help. really cant help but
falling deeper every other day.
its like i cant live without him anymore
iam all sooooo